Couples Therapy Season 4.5
No, don’t just sit there
Dr. Orna Guralnik, best dressed therapist.
Every couple comes into Orna’s office with a problem.
Nick & Katherine are both avoidants. Mondo & Kyle can’t agree on whether to open their relationship. Rod & Alison bicker relentlessly, to the point that I was turning down the volume on my TV. Boris & Jessica can’t decide where to live.
Three couples work through it. One doesn’t.
I’d argue conflict resolution doesn’t have anything to do with the actual conflict. It has to do with the partners’ attitudes toward each other. Do they like each other? Do they want to work it out?
Or is the conflict—and the story surrounding it—serving one of the partners in some way?
Rod & Alison. Even their positions on Orna’s couch reflect their dynamic—Rod slouched, Alison erect.
He’s Trying
I used to be a teacher. When I taught kids how to read, I was surprised that their progress wasn’t incremental. They don’t learn 5% more everyday until they finally read. We try and try and try…and there’s nothing. No progress, for a long time. Then, one day, boom—the kid is reading. A breakthrough comes seemingly out of nowhere.
But it’s not out of nowhere—it’s after a lot of hard work.
It’s the same with three of the four couples. At some point in the season, after a lot of hard work—but seemingly out of nowhere—they turn a corner. Their problems aren’t gone, but their ugly feelings are. They treat each other with warmth. It’s not so high stakes anymore. Even as a viewer, I could feel the energy dissipate in therapist’s office.
Alison cuts herself off mid-rant. Seriously! She listens to Rod. She admits her attack the night prior, renewed in that day’s session, came from embarrassment at her own behavior, not frustration at him. Her retreat lays the path for Rod to look at his role in their cycle, too. They both take responsibility.
Katherine helps Nick recount a traumatic event from his past. Later, Nick helps Katherine through remembering a traumatic event, too. After so much avoidance, they are there for each other. Their mutual empathy and patience is heartwarming. I could feel their love.
Mondo and Kyle dig below the surface-level issue of monogamy. Really, they both feel excluded—Mondo because he’s Hispanic and Kyle is white, Kyle because he’s deaf and Mondo is hearing. So they shift their focus to including the other person. They recount their perspectives honestly, while the other listens without defense. Not easy to do! It was encouraging to watch a them put their own feelings aside, listen to each other, then come together on a path forward.
But what if that watershed moment never arrives?
Nick & Katherine
I Don’t Like How I Was Portrayed
I think to do the work in a relationship, you have to leave truth behind to a certain degree. Instead, it’s about story.
Boris’ story dominates his and Jessica’s relationship.
He is a little prince who had to grow up too soon. I’m not being condescending here, Jessica says this exactly. He grew up into a king who fell in love with a blonde girl, then found adulthood to be as confining as princehood.
You get the idea?
Boris & Jessica
Basically, this relationship is the Boris show. Boris expects Jessica to exist for him. She’s gotta live where he wants, buy groceries how he wants. And if she doesn’t, she’s gotta take his inhumane and relentless criticism. If she protests, he stomps her out. If she apologizes, he stomps her out. He listens to her groveling with a twisted pleasure bordering on masturbation.
So, no, the issue here isn’t “where should we live.” It’s that Boris dumps his misery onto Jessica.
Boris is the relationship’s judge and executioner. He alone decides who is blameless and who is wicked. For example, Boris complains about how he was portrayed in the first session—that he sounded like a monster. He doesn’t care if he treated Jessica monstrously. He cares if he is portrayed monstrously. That’s a big difference.
To no one’s surprise, Boris and Jessica abandon therapy after a few sessions. Orna pushes Boris, which he will not tolerate.
But—they come back one more time.
Mondo & Kyle
Happily Ever After
This last therapy session is supposedly a victory lap. Boris and Jessica have solved everything.
Boris recounts how he was planning a special birthday weekend for Jessica for the last three months. Over my dead body. But again—it’s about story. He’s the knight in shining armor come to save the marriage.
Really, Jessica told Boris to move out. Boris had his “oh shit” moment. He realized he pushed Jessica too far. So he threw a last-ditch-hail-Mary, took Jessica out in the city they live (three months of planning-my-ass), and told her all the nice things she wanted to hear. Which shows his prior contempt was a choice, not the result of helpless depression, like he says. He chose to treat her badly before, or he wouldn’t change it now.
Maybe Jessica was relieved, maybe she believed him, maybe the kindness and attention felt really good. Whatever it was, Jessica accepts Boris’ apology. She takes him back.
Now, we start the clock again. I give Boris three months before his complaints trickle in. Before his misery grows to a level he doesn’t feel like tolerating. Before he chooses to blame Jessica for his internal plight—and torture her again.
But who knows. Maybe they figured it out. Maybe this is just my story, projected onto them.
