Boy Love Stories Part 3: Temptation Island
If this is trash TV, bury me at the dump
Mars & Venus
Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus is a book about differences in the sexes. Men are physical, women emotional. Men want space, women want communication.
Temptation Island could be an epilogue to this book.
This reality show takes four couples with cheating problems and splits them up. The boys live in one house, the girls in another. The catch is that each house lives with 12 temptresses or “tempters.” AKA people who are there solely to tempt the boyfriends and girlfriends to cheat.
The fact that there is no male version of the word temptress pretty much sums up this show.
More Alike Than Different
The men and women act really differently at the houses.
The guys want to sleep with the temptresses. And they do.
The women want reassurance. The “tempters” don’t really provide that, so the women go to each other. They cry, talk (and talk and talk), and think a lot about their boyfriends. Then, slowly, after steady emotional bonding, the women will let a “tempter” in. But it’s not tempting, it’s deliberate.
I’d argue the men and women want the same thing, but just go about it in different ways. They all want connection.
Mars
I think to understand the men (since I am not one) it helps to look at their attitude toward time and space.
These guys live for the present moment. They want immediate pleasure.
But I think when taken to the extreme, it can get dicey. Living this much in the present can be selfish. We forget who isn’t present. And how our behavior will make them feel…in the future.
Which brings us to space. These guys live by the motto “out of sight, out of mind.” As soon as their girlfriends are gone, they don’t think about them.
For example, one night Brion has a three-way with two of the temptresses. We see him walk out of the bathroom in the early dawn, pause for a moment, then happily tell the two temptresses to listen to the morning birds chirping.
Is Brion a bad guy? That’s not for me to say. Is he thinking about his girlfriend Shanté in this moment? No. He’s thinking about birds.
I don’t buy that these men do what they do because they’re horrible. I think that’s reductive and not true.
I think they’re protecting something.
Egos
Everything these guys do is either to feel good or to feel like good men.
What’s behind that?
Subconscious motives aren’t unique to Temptation Island. We’re all protecting something.
I think these guys are protecting their egos. They will reason any argument, spin any lie, throw anyone under the bus (aka their girlfriends), to support the idea that they are good.
They do feel remorse when confronted with their hurtful behavior. But, they don’t get upset about hurting their girlfriends’ feelings…they get upset about being seen as guys who hurt their girlfriends’ feelings.
Let me give you an example. On the way to the guy’s weekly bonfire, Grant thinks about how he fucked a temptress in the shower. Likely, his girlfriend Ashley will see that clip at the girls’ bonfire (she does).
But Grant isn’t upset about how Ashley will feel. He’s upset about how Ashley will view him. He consoles himself by saying, “I can’t worry if Ashley views me as a bad guy.”
His main (only?) regret about cheating is that it puts him in a bad light.…
…Or should I say bad picture…..because this is all very Picture of Dorian Gray.
Just like the character Dorian, Grant and the other guys’ hurtful behavior doesn’t matter when it exists in a vacuum. Conscious is a non-factor. For example, none of them really care how they treat the temptresses. Because the temptresses have no impact on their egos.
Their hurtful behavior only matters when their girlfriends see it.
Connection
So how does this relate to connection?
These men compartmentalize connection.
It seems like they seek connection for two reasons: for sexual gratification and for emotional safety.
This is why the temptresses are legitimately tempting to the men. These women can give them sexual gratification. It’s also why the women aren’t tempted by the “tempters” at all. Yes, the women want sexual gratification, too. But it’s not an either-or. It’s one after the other. In each case, the women create a bond with the “tempters” that feels emotionally safe. Then, they open up sexually.
Both the men and women want the same thing. It’s a difference in order of operations.
Cheating
So how does this relate to cheating?
Some of the girlfriends get stuck in the emotional connection box. Then, they take on the unattractive traits of a mother.
I think that when we don’t feel secure with our partner, we can follow two paths.
The first is to enter into a police-state. Did you cheat? Did you check that person out? We focus on what our partner can’t do. We restrict.
But even if we prohibit our partner into faithfulness, what is the state of our relationship? Are we connected? Do we feel like home to each other?
Instead of cutting off all the paths to exit, are we at a destination we actually enjoy?
I would argue that if we feel connected to our partner, and our relationship has an energy of safety and warmth, we aren’t tempted to cheat in the first place. Because we’re happy with what we have.
This is the second path: instead of blocking outside connection, we cultivate the connection we have. We make it worth staying for.
I get there are exceptions. I get there will be people who always cheat. But I think most of the time, cheating is borne of disconnection in the relationship. Because really, what made our eyes wonder in the first place?
If I look at a couple like Shante and Brion…Shante got so focused on if Brion actually penetrated one of the women during the three-way, or if he just touched and watched.
Why does that detail matter?????? She’s stuck in a police-state mindset.
Are her and Brion connected? Does she feel safe with him? Does she like him? Does she like having to guess if her boyfriend is a liar or not? Does she like doing mental gymnastics to justify this relationship? Convincing herself this clear-as-day misalignment in morals isn’t actually a misalignment?
Good and bad is boring to me (and in my opinion, not accurate). I don’t think Brion is bad and I don’ think that Shante is good. I think they’re misaligned. Brion wants sexual gratification. That’s not a bad thing. But he also wants the comfort of a soft, moral, safe woman at home. Shante wants a husband, now. That’s not bad. But instead of going out to find a guy who is actually ready to settle down, she’s trying to break-in Brion like you’d break a wild horse. It’s just not gonna happen.
Brion is trying to have his cake and eat it too. Shante is trying to change someone into something he’s not.
Both end up hurt and disappointed.
Like a little boy who is only upset he misbehaved because his mother found out. The mother’s disapproval and witheld affection stings hard. And I for sure would argue these girlfriends are surrogates for the guys’ mothers.
They need their girlfriends to think highly of them because their self-worth comes from what their girlfriends think of them.
Maybe these men don’t exist on their on, only as reflections in their girlfriends’ eyes. When that reflection is good, they feel good. When it’s disapproving, they panic. And instead of fixing themselves, they attack the woman who reflects their bad behavior. Or they find a new girl.
These women are not always kind. Some use the “truth” to belittle the men. But regardless of what they do with this insight, they see the men. And the more clearly they see, the more threatening they become to the men’s egos.
It’s no accident that Dorian’s chambermaid, the woman closest to him, finds his body after he dies.
